Take this.
I hold ten men's lives in my hand.
It's a nine-millimeter.
You don't have the stopping power.
Right.
For that, you'd need magnum force.
Easy, easy.
They'll ask you if you want to buy a bottle of champagne.
- Don't. - Explain.
"Champagne" means a private dance. We can't afford it.
- "Champagne" is a code, right? - Exactly.
- What does "vodka" mean? - Nothing.
You can order anything you want so long as it's not what?
Champagne.
What'll it be?
Let me get a vodka tonic and a beer, please.
I'd like to buy your most expensive bottle of champagne.
Dumb ass!
I need a major credit card.
This is a gentlemen's club.
You are expected to behave as gentlemen.
I'll be giving you one rule.
If you break this rule, I will break your arm.
Are we clear?
The ladies can touch you.
You cannot touch the ladies at any point, under any circumstance.
- Is that clear? - Crystal.
Enjoy your evening.
H]ave a seat right here, sexy.
Just relax.
Give it to me.
God!
H]ands! H]ands!
Asshole! Told you, don't touch us!
- Jerk! Can't listen to shit! - What did I tell you?
What did I fucking tell you?!
The other one!
Take it easy, man!
Am I talking to you?
I'm talking to your faggot friend here!
- Stop fucking kicking him! - Think you can beat my ass?
Want a piece of this?
Think you can beat my ass?
Everybody back the fuck away!
Is there another way out?
Behind you. The door.
What are you doing?
Getting rid of the weapon.
It has your fingerprints on it.
Do we answer?
It's probably Orange County, wondering where his car is.
They can trace us even if we don't answer.
Go find the gun.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Just because some rapper's got a white buddy...
...doesn't mean that he's Sidney fucking Poitier.
You pat him down.
You check him out.
I know.
You know what wakes me up at night, covered in a cold sweat?
Knowing you're no worse than anyone else in your screwed-up generation
Give me a towel.
In the old days...
...you know how you got to the top?
By being better than the guy ahead of you.
And how do you people get to the top?
By being so fucking incompetent, the guy ahead of you can't do his job.
So he falls on his ass, and congratulations, you are now on top.
And now the top is down here, when it used to be up here...
...and you don't even know the difference.
They said that they're from Los Angeles.
Then they must be staying somewhere.
And I won't just teach you how to Play...
... l'll show you how not to be overwhelmed by the casino:
The noise, the dealer and other Players.
I'm going to show you what to do, how to do it and when to do it.
What?
Room 660.
Who was that?
Some shit.
I don't know.
They're at the Riviera, room 660.
Keep the change.
H]ere we go.
We got 30 seconds to get out!
- Get up! - Grab what you can!
What the fuck?
Get up, man!
- Just do it now! - What the fuck?
What'd you guys do, man?
Room service.
It's them.
Who's "them"?
Kid! Kid, open the door.
I'm really sorry about before...
...but it'd be swell if you could open the door right now!
Fuck you!
Bitch!
Look, I'm really sorry, but it'd be swell if you'd open the door.
It's an emergency.
Open up the door, boy.
H]undred bucks.
Fuck!
We got to give him the money!
- Tiny! - H]ere's ten.
Now, kid, open up the door.
Open now. Open now!
Come on, man.
Come on, buddy.
Okay, you got the money. Open the door.
I don't feel well!
What's going on?
Someone tell me what's going on.
What the fuck are we running from?
- Get in. - You get in!
- Get in! - I'm not getting in the back!
H]ey, come on!
Get the car!
Do you even know how to drive this car?
Of course I do. Don't be stupid.
Damn! Watch what you're doing.
Oh, my God!
H]old up!
Yo, Simon, slow down!
Come on. Look at this.
Come on!
They're right behind us.
Who?
Shit!
You're making me sick again, man.
Let me out!
Cop, cop, cop!
It's them.
H]ow did they find us?
It's their town.
They have people.
Get off this street.
- H]old on! - Wait!
Not here! Wait!
What the fuck?
I don't see them.
Wait! They're coming in!
All right, we can do this!
We can do it!
Let's gut this motherfucker!
Are you happy now?
Shut up, man!
Is your British ass happy now?
Come on, man!
- They're going to kill us! - Shit!
You son of a bitch!
Man!
Will you get out of there?
Just so we're clear.
You stole a car...
...shot a bouncer...
...and had sex with two women?
You had sex with two women?
H]ere's the plan.
We can be in Mexico by noon.
We'll split up. I'll take Baja.
Fuck the plan, fuck Mexico!
We're going back home to L.A.
Simon, think about it.
If they wanted the cops, they would've called them in Vegas.
They wanted us gone, and we're gone.
It's over.
You had sex with two women?
Yeah, Tommy, it's Vic.
I need you to run a credit card.
You ready?
First name, Todd.
Last name, Gaines. G-A-l-N-E-S.
... which brings you all your holiday favorites in one wonderful collection.
Don't.
Why not?
Because she's been on for 14 hours.
- Ronna. - No.
- I haven't asked yet. - The answer's still no.
Maybe you forget, Detective.
I was cleared of all charges.
I don't care how many lawyers you bring in.
Eden Valley will never stand for your kind of scum.
You work out, don't you?
We have to. It's in the contract.
No, no, you got a great body.
H]ey, people in here!
Look, Burke, just so we're clear on this...
...even if you get this guy today, our charges are dropped, right?
If a guy's concerned about the legal process...
...how come he gets busted for possession?
Relax. I'll sign the form, and the whole thing goes away.
Is it safe to have a radio against my balls?
It's safe enough.
Starlight, star bright...
... first star that I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish l...
That's good. I'm getting him.
What does your girlfriend look like?
Five foot eight, brown hair, blue eyes.
H]ot?
H]ot? Yeah.
Is she faithful?
No. I don't think so.
You faithful?
Not anymore, no.
Zack's girlfriend is fucking around on him.
Man, that sucks. H]ow'd you find out?
No big deal. I don't want to get into it.
Come on. Spill it.
Absolutely. Tell us.
Okay. I found socks.
You know the socks with elastic around the ankle...
...to keep it from stretching out?
All my socks have that.
One day, I went into the drawer and there was a pair that didn't.
- So... - You hear that?
We got John Sherlock H]olmes in here.
You've been fucking around too.
Only after I found out.
So, Zack, do you know who your girlfriend's fucking?
No, Adam, I do not.
Although I have suspicions, mostly ex-boyfriends who keep calling.
What a coincidence.
I have the exact same problem with my girlfriend.
Isn't it ironic?
Don't you think?
Maybe I should start checking for socks too.
Gay men are so hot.
It's tragic.
H]e's not here.
What should we do? H]e's not here.
We're going to ask.
You're going to ask. Come on.
Why me?
You're more wholesome. Just get up there and improv.
There's an opera about him.
Xerxes.
I took Music Appreciation. Twice.
H]e wasn't there.
- We heard. You guys were great. - You did great.
Now this chick, Ronna, you think she can score?
- Maybe. - Yeah, definitely.
Then that's all we need. It's all connected. Circle of life.
Now they're both going in. What's up with that?
If she gets the stuff, what? You just arrest her?
No, we try to bring her over.
You see, we arrest her and then what?
One crack whore off the street.
We cut her a deal if she helps us get this guy.
We cut him a deal to get the guy above him. Like with you.
Sooner or later, everybody's working for The Man.
You got that right.
She's coming up.
What if she's not a dealer?
What if it's just one thing you pulled her into? Isn't that entrapment?
If she's making a deal, she's a dealer.
Doesn't matter if it's her first or last.
Ronna, hon, we are fresh out of OJ. Cerveza?
We bought a bunch of orange juice earlier.
We just left it out in the car. But I can run and get it.
Zack tells me that you got 20 at 20. Is that right?
You got a bathroom?
Yeah. Down the hall, on the right.
H]ere, let me show you.
Go!
It's all yours.
I shouldn't be drinking beer, should I?
My being so...
...you know, underage and all.
That means move away from the door.
Okay. Thank you.
Watch how I twist his wrist away while I put on the second cuff...
...so he can't go after me.
Right down like that. Boom! Snap it on.
You know, I watch all these cop shows...
...and they never do it right. Ever.
Pisses me off.
Spread them!
H]ey, feel the abs on this one.
You could scrub laundry on these.
What?
Nothing.
I'm just out of it.
H]ave a merry Christmas. It was good to meet you.
All right. No? I.
Whether you get something on that guy or not...
...we're done, right? We did our part.
You did your part.
Great! Could you take off my handcuffs?
There's something I wanted to ask you guys. Sort of a...
I don't know. Sort of a proposition.
You see, my wife and l... Irene, she's my wife.
We both work on Christmas, so we have Christmas dinner tonight.
And I was thinking...
...maybe you guys could eat dinner with us.
My wife is great. You'll love her.
Then I'll sign the paper. H]ow does that sound?
Well...
H]i. Sorry.
Phone?
Check my messages?
H]ere.
Sorry.
No. Stay for a sec. H]ere, smell this.
What does that smell like?
CK One, right?
Right? But it's not.
- Really? - Yeah.
I get this stuff for half what that stuff costs.
It's nice.
It's very nice. H]ere, try.
It's down.
So is the liner.
It's really soft.
Get on.
Oh, no, no. I got to go help with dinner...
- H]ear that? - H]ear what?
Exactly. Individually wrapped springs. Top quality.
I could do aerobics and you wouldn't feel it.
I bet I wouldn't.
So, Zack, would you say you're open to new things?
Tell me something.
When you kiss those girls, you're not really kissing them, are you?
Well, it's a stage kiss.
Your lips touch, but there's no tongue.
So there's no feeling?
Nobody gets jealous?
It's not real. It's only acting.
See, now that...
There was a tongue there.
H]oney?
Red or white?
Which goes with ham?
White.
Fabulous.
More wine?
H]e doesn't want any more. Unless he does. Do you?
No, thank you. No, thank you.
Sure.
Look...
Burke, this is...
This is really great. This is wonderful. Thank you.
You're welcome.
I don't even know how to say this.
I'm sorry, but I think we have to leave soon...
...because Adam's not feeling well.
I don't.
It's true.
Well, if you got to go...
...then I understand.
But...
...well, Irene and I sort of...
...had an ulterior motive for inviting you here.
H]e makes it sound sinister.
It's not.
No, I don't...
She's right. Okay.
You've looked around our place.
Where do you think we got most of this stuff?
Just guess.
Come on.
Sears?
J.C. Penney?
It's actually from Confederated Products.
Almost everything here is from Confederated Products...
...from the toilet paper to the candles to the ham.
- The wine. - The wine, the wine.
Even that cologne you liked.
Confederated Products is a multilevel, direct wholesaling company...
...which means we don't just sell the products.
No sir-you-ree Bob!
We recruit and manage teams that work under us.
Irene and I started eight months ago...
...and already, we're pulling in $50,000 a year.
We're the number four distributor in southern California.
You got that one, babe.
And by March, we might be number three.
As law enforcement officers, we can't recruit distributors from the force.
It's against the rules. So what we do is...
...we look for people in other industries...
Like the entertainment industry.
Wait. Wait.
You want us to sell Amway?
It's Confederated Products. It's a...
It's a different company.
It's a different quality of product.
I have to do something terrifically unwholesome after that.
I need to bathe in sin.
With me, or one of your other boyfriends?
Okay, I have cheated on you with exactly one guy.
Ditto.
Who?
No, I won't tell you because you'll freak out and it'll be drama.
Bad, not funny Roseanne kind of drama. And I'm just not up for it.
- I'll tell you mine. - No.
Why not?
You can't wait to tell me, can you? You're gloating.
You think yours is better than mine.
No, I don't.
- It's Sean Connery, isn't it? - Count of three.
- Fine. - One...
- Wait, wait. ...two...
Okay, fine.
Count of three.
One, two, three.
- Jimmy... - Jimmy in makeup.
Is Jimmy here?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I'll call you back.
Jimmy's not here right now.
H]e went to this thing.
I'll go get it.
You two do know, don't you?
We know.
I take no responsibility.
I was only an innocent bystander.
But there was this one time you guys...
...you missed each other by, like, three minutes.
It was so exciting!
It's some sort of rave thing.
I got to say, the thing about Jimmy, the sex wasn't that good.
And the ear thing?
I have Q-tips. That's not necessary, thank you.
The one thing I will give him credit for is the oral.
The oral was good.
What do you mean? H]e was terrible.
At one point, I had to stop him and correct his bad technique.
I actually grabbed him by his ears and retrained him from the throat up.
When was that?
I don't know. October, maybe?
Early October, he suddenly got so much better.
H]i, cowboy.
H]i, asshole.
Stop!
I think you want to follow that guy out.
What?
Where'd you learn to drive? Circleville?
I didn't pack a bag.
What the...?
Stop!
Go. Go.
What if she's...?
Go!
Let's think about this logically. She's either alive or she's dead.
All right, if she's dead...
...there's nothing we can do.
And if she's alive, that guy who had that gun...
...who looked like he wanted to shoot her...
...he probably did shoot her.
So...
...even if she's alive, she's dead. - Exactly.
Exactly.
The only witnesses are you, me and him.
I don't think any of us will talk about this anytime soon, so...
I really...
It really didn't go as bad as it could've.
A girl is dead.
I didn't say it went perfectly.
911 emergency.
What's up?
H]oly shit!
They couldn't have been listening.
H]ello? They could've been recording it.
Everything we've said would be on tape...
...and they'd know we did it.
What if we were, like, running lines or something?
We could've been rehearsing. They know we're actors.
Maybe no one's found the girl yet.
They will.
If there's no body, there's no crime.
- Stop! Stop it! - What?
- It's a Miata.
Well, where...?
We'll put her in the passenger seat.
Then where will I...?
You'll be in the passenger seat holding her up.
All right.
Little help?
I can't.
What do you mean?
I can't do this. I can't do this.
- Listen. - She's dead.
- She's not dead! - She's dead.
I hit her and killed her. She's dead.
She's not dead. She's acting dead.
Listen, this is just a scene.
You're just acting scared.
I'm acting like I'm helping her.
It's a scene. Look at the lights.
We're acting. Look at the camera. Watch it.
Watch your blocking. Say "hi" to Molly in wardrobe.
- H]i, Molly. - Say it. "H]i, Molly."
H]i, Molly.
Craft services are here and they're making those veggie burgers you love.
You can have as many as you want. Just help me get through this scene.
That's it.
Smell them. Smell them.
Smell the veggie burgers. Can you smell them?
I'm not delusional!
Then grab her fucking arms!
- She's not dead. - No shit!
If she isn't dead, then we didn't kill her.
- We can leave her. - She's almost dead.
If we leave her and she dies, why'd we come back?
You still killed her.
I killed her?
Come on, I didn't mean it like that.
It's not like I'd testify against you. Come on.
Let's stick to plan A.
What? In plan A, she was dead.
Wait. What...?
Okay, new plan.
Man, that's Kelly.
Somebody beat the crap out of her.
Can somebody call an ambulance?
Look.
They're getting her an ambulance. She'll be fine.
It's good. Good. She's going to be fine.
What about that guy?
The guy with the gun? H]e could still go after her.
H]ello? Look, girl in ditch: Our problem.
Girl out of ditch: H]er problem.
Sorry. Look, we did the right thing.
What? Okay, approximately.
In a half-assed, thrown-together, bouillabaisse-y kind of way...
...we did the right thing.
Right?
She's fine.
Right.
- Just sit anywhere you want. - Actually, I'm...
...meeting people.
H]ave you seen Ronna or Mannie?
We're twins.
Coffee. H]ere you go.
We meet here after we go out, in case we get separated.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for buying me breakfast.
Unless you want to sit alone. I can...
No.
Fine.
See, I knew you weren't all evil.
What do you have against The Family Circus?
You read your paper...
...and you're enjoying your two-page comic spread.
And there's The Family fucking Circus...
...bottom right-hand corner, just waiting to suck.
And that's the last thing you read, so...
...it spoils everything you read before it.
You could just not read it.
I hate it, yet I'm uncontrollably drawn to it.
Are you going to...?
You know what I like about you?
And it's not your face. You're only medium-cute.
But I think it's...
You're the first non-fake person I've met here.
It's kind of nice.
Professional curiosity. What are you on?
- I'm serious. - So am I. What are you on?
Ginseng and Dexatrim.
You know what I like best about Christmas?
The surprises.
You get this box and you're sure you know what's inside.
You shake it, weigh it, convinced you have it pegged.
No doubt in your mind.
But then you open it up, and it's different.
You know. Wow, bang, surprise.
It's kind of like you and me here, you know?
And I'm not saying it's anything it's not.
Come on, this time yesterday, who would've thunk it?
H]ow'd you get out?
Well, isn't this romantic?
On Orlando, just off of Third.
There's construction on La Cienega, so you might want to take Fairfax.
Well, thanks.
Why don't you drive them yourself?
You could help them pull the trigger.
Listen, I'm going to need to hide out here for a while.
Guys, guys.
Come on!
Do it.
Don't let him kill me!
Do it!
Stop it!
Shut up!
H]ello? Witness?
- You going to shoot us both? - Shut up!
This little fuck shot my son.
In the arm.
So you'll shoot all of us? What do you actually want?
Justice.
That should be the fleshiest bit, right there.
So it should be okay if you hit that.
Right. Cheers.
I can't.
What do you mean, you can't?
You just pull the fucking trigger.
Pull the fucking trigger!
If he knows he'll be shot, it's not the same thing.
Just point! Shoot him!
I don't mind.
See? H]e don't mind.
If your mother could see you now. You're disgusting!
Pull the trigger.
It's different.
No shit!
H]e shot you!
- Where you going? - To work.
See? The girl's leaving.
See you later!
It's all right! I'm okay!
Things didn't go exactly as planned, you know?
And where's Mannie?
Fuck me!
You look like shit.
Found them.
Let's go.
H]ere, I'll drive.
Do you have enough money for your rent?
And twenty left over.
Maybe I'll open a savings account.
So...
...what are we doing for New Year's?